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EverlastingAria
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Name: Ally
Country: United States
State: Pennsylvania
Metro: Lancaster
Gender: Female
Interests: My savior. People. sweaters. Radiohead. eating. music. snow.
Expertise: eating. sleeping. reading. writing. thinking.
Occupation: Waitress
Industry: Food
Message: message me
AIM:  aria2388
Member Since:
1/5/2005
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| sometimes I can feel myself becoming hard towards God and towards religion...
I guess its when you really take yourself far out of your comfort zone you see who you really are.
I think more than anything its part of the process of my faith really becoming real to me. I realize more and more as I move around and meet new people and have different faith experiences I have much more perspective.. but I also see my weaknesses a lot more clearly. One of those weaknesses is definitely allowing myself to trust God and to strip down my defenses that I have against people and against him. to be honest.. maybe its even a little bit of resentment and/ or fear. I find myself being afraid of God a lot. even when I try to talk to him.... I can just feel myself hiding.
Having all these new experiences.. and having my world get so much bigger. its like you have to keep asking yourself.. who IS God.. and what is he really like? and what does that make me? and what should I do about it? and every time that your world changes.. or gets bigger... your perception of how big God is.. and who you think he is I think changes too. Not that God changes.. but only that our view/perception of Him does..
I was reading my Bible the other day (something I hadn't done in awhile.. and certainly don't do enough of) and I just wanted to cry. It was like... I KNEW I was missing something. I had this aweful longing feeling for something I know is completely my responsibility that I don't have...
Its like longing for love that you know you could have if you'd just accept it. I dont' know why I have such a hard time accepting love. I have a lot of it. and I enjoy nothing more than giving it away.. but I shrink back instead of receiving it. | | |
| Last night I went to go see a movie with Carlos and Kerry.. then we walked to a nafta station (Gas) and Carlos bought me a bon bon.
I sat there playing with the wrapper sucking on the smooth chocolatey deliciousness just thinking and listening to him tell me stories in his animated but obviously modified spanish..
and suddenly I got all teary
I'm not ready to leave. I'm not ready to wake up in the morning not hearing the sounds of my mom and sister rushing around getting ready for their days of work and school talking rapidly in their sing-songy Cordobese accents.
I don't want to
walk downstairs and not see dirty little Lola sprawled out on the couch acting like she owns the place.
to walk out to my street and not see old european cars flying by
to not hear the Cordoba night noise outside my window
drive instead of walk
I'm going to miss:
panaderias, alfajores, my mom's cooking, fernet, free health care, walking to school, cheap cigarettes, art, spanish, dancing, portugese, Kerry, Laura, Emily, Gaby, Flor, Carlos, Imad, Rodrigo, Jessica, Nico, Guille, Marcelo, Jhonny..
hanging my clothes out to dry, walking at night, hearing "te quiero", hearing "te amamos", hearing spanish..., boliches, kiss greetings, "chau chau", "eu!". "CHE!"
HAND GESTURES
"bulodo"
cheap movie rentals, cake, facturas, shopping where everyone in the store is your friend, art walks, downtown,
I'm not quite done yet..
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| I have a very large mess in my head.. its called portspanglish...
so I read in
Lingüística el otro dia que hay algo se llama
"code switching"..
"alternancia de códigos"
It's when you let
tu mente
run
libre.. y decís todo lo que querés decir.. sin pensar en el idioma
si eu quero falar em portugês... eu posso.. um pouco : )
em portugês..
I would speak to
minhas amigas e minha família...amor
Para Mí:
Portugês é amizade, lar, amor e cançãos
Español es amantes, revolucionarios, libertad, aprendizaje
English is business: practical.
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| I've recently come to the conclusion that sometimes things just have to get really bad
before they get better again.
I do the same shit over and over again.. just to continue disappointing myself. Maybe its some form of self-punishment. I hate that I feel guilty all the time...
Life lessons are never truly "learned" I don't think
they just "grow" you. its not that you mess up.. you learn and you don't do it again. you mess up, you learn for awhile.. you do it again.. maybe worse.. but you learn again. and each time you get stronger...
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| Traveling has done strange things to me.. in a lot of ways I feel stronger.. empowered.. learned. In other ways I feel weak and vulnerable... I´ve learned a lot about humility here. I´ve learned a lot about myself.
I´m independent because I want to be.. not because I am.
I will always be afraid...
I will always feel things and not say them.
I have learnd that Loving people hurts. I´ve learned that no matter where I go I will find home. I find home in the people that I meet and fall in love with
in the light I see in their eyes when they talk about something they love..
in the way they laugh
in the way they hurt
and in the way they love me back in the things we share and the things we learn from each other.
The world is so much biggern now..
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